A first date is about getting to know a person and seeing if there is more than just physical attraction.  Both men and women have heard the Do’s and Dont’s of the first date.  Some of these tips work; some fail miserably.  I’m here to give you ladies a little insight into the male psyche.

Some Stats

We want to respect you, we really do.  But you make it so damn difficult.  Many people have said that a man’s mouth gets him in trouble, but I think that may be truer for women.  With the wonderful technological advancement known as the text message, I’ve asked 25 gentlemen about their recent first dates and a whopping 83.7% reported receiving oral sex or more (the rest got hand jobs).  Starting with this startling statistic (say that 5 times fast) I will begin to explain why a woman’s mouth gets her in trouble.

The Lines

“I have never done this before,” “I don’t know if we should do this because I want you to respect me,” and “Punch me harder”.  These are phrases men have come to know and love over the years because they mean we’re getting laid.  My personal favorite is the old school combo of “I don’t usually do this” and “I want you to respect me and not think I’m a whore.”  And what do we say back to undress you as quickly as possible?  “Oh come on!  You know I respect you.  I don’t think you are a whore; I really like you a lot.  If you want to wait we can because I want it to be special.”  Bullshit!  At this point of the night, we are willing to convert to a different religion to “Git-r-done.”  So if you want our respect, walk away.  It’s better for us both.

What We’re Thinking

During a first date many things run through a man’s head: Is she the right one for me?  Would my friends like her?  Does she have an innie or an outie? (and I don’t mean belly buttons ladies and gentlemen)  We give you every chance to be a good girl, to have our respect and to possibly be the woman of our dreams.  Take advantage and do not abuse it.  If we ask you out on a date we like you and don’t care about getting laid, but if we want to meet you at a bar for drinks.. welcome to the booty call!  We are trying to get you drunk so we can rock out with our cocks out.

The Rules

Here are a few simple rules to keep you away from the old fuck and chuck I’ve grown so fond of: 1 – Don’t put out on the first date; nothing more then a kiss.  2 – If we do get down and dirty, avoid using any of the lines listed above because they make us think bad things about you.  3 – If we buy dinner, insist on buying drinks afterwards.  Even if it’s just a round or two it shows that you are not just in it for you and we respect that.  (And the last rule doesn’t just apply to the first date)  4 – No teeth.  If we wanted the skin ripped off our penises we’d rub them along a cheese grater.

With all the knowledge I have passed on above, I hope a few of you ladies find a decent man.  Remember: a man’s ego is huge and wants to believe you are still a virgin and that he is the only one good enough to have you.  We are fucked up people, what can I say.  And if you do end up performing oral sex or having sexual intercourse with us on the first date every man will ask himself the same question: How many other guys did she do this to on the first date?

(As previously seen on www.Lifeofmystory.com)

Snuggled deep within the fertile crescent known as the Jersey Shore lies a place of imagination, inner peace and uncircumcised wangs.  Gunnison Beach (known to many as “The Nude Beach”) is located in Sandy Hook, New Jersey and was named after the Gunnison Battery, which was constructed in the 1800’s by the US government to protect New York Harbor.  The only thing it protects now is the general public from geriatric patients hopped up on Viagra making bad decisions on a regular basis.

A percentage of our population refer to them as “Naturalists,” others “Nudists” and to some “Creepy naked mother fuckers” (The last one is my personal favorite).  They gather every weekend to do whatever the fuck they usually do while being butt ass naked.  Some work on their tan lines; others do jumping jacks in place.  Should we judge them for their lifestyle? Absolutely not.

If you are from the Jersey Shore you’ve either heard of, tried to find, found or went to Gunnison Beach.  The first time I caught wind of this wonderful place was in 1993 while attending Oakhurst Country Day Camp (Seashore SUCKS!  Oakhurst RULES!  Got to represent for the O.G’s).  During the summer our camp group, known as the “Senior Boys,” would take day trips to Sandy Hook to change things up.  Our counselors at the time, Mr. Jason Oldham and Mr. Steve Solly, passed on stories of a magical land filled with boobies and unicorns.  At the age of 11, boobies and unicorns were enough to satisfy any young boy’s desires, and from here our plan was devised.

It was a hot day in the summer of ‘93.  The sun was scorching and high tide filled the air with the sweet aroma of sewage from the New York City Harbor.  It was the perfect setting for the perfect plan that turned boys into men and campers into legends.  It all began around lunch time at beach C when four boys stood in a circle and devised a plan to pull off the story of the century.
There we stood, young boys in the crossroads of life with only one thing on our minds: BOOBIES!  We set off with the determination of drunk college kids trying to find a late night rub and tug.  An hour and a half of walking finally lead us within sight of the promise land.  “Look, it’s a person!  I think it’s naked!” screams Ryan Wetter.  “Dude they are definitely naked,” I responded.

So our pace quickened.  We were overjoyed that we have finally reached this mecca of boobies and unicorns.  Finally!  As we got closer our hearts pounded out of our chests.  I was squinting into the sun trying to fight the glare in hopes of seeing my first real, naked boobie.  Instead, a 65 year old naked man strolled up with a full on jack hammer-like erection and proceeded to yell at us.

“What do you guys think you are doing here?  Where are your parents?  You can’t be here alone!”  I stood there frozen as if I was just got caught masturbating by my grandmother.  “Oh, we are all brothers.  Our parents adopted us and they like to hang out here.  They are over there waiting for us,” young Ryan explains.  Thank god he was on his toes or we would have ended up being sold on the black market.  We squirmed away and walked as fast as our little legs could carry us.
Staggering down the beach with our minds warped, there was only silence.  Our brains so confused we failed to notice any of our surroundings.  THEN IT HAPPENED!  We are all looking down at the sand but a godly force made us all lift our heads simultaneously.  THERE THEY WERE!!!  BOOBIES!!!  And I’m not talking about any boobies.  They were the size of small children.  She could have fed a small village in South West Indonesia with those puppies.  We all stopped in amazement, wondering if she just smuggled Mexicans across the border in those things.  As we stood there and witnessed these amazing creations from the almighty god above, a calmness came over our souls.  We were now men.
We headed back down the beach towards base camp and not much was said, but we all knew we were changed forever.  There was a little more swagger in our step, more charisma in our actions and more depth in our voices.  As we approached our camp group, everyone stared in amazement knowing the epic journey we had just completed.  The campers gathered around us sitting Indian style, waiting to hear of our journey.  A single question came up: “Did you guys see boobies?”  And all I could reply with is “Yes.. Yes we did.”  We lived out the rest of our time as campers in infamy only to walk and hear whispers of our legendary quest.  We started our journey that summer as boys.  When it was completed we were more then men.  We were legends!

(As previously seen on www.Lifeofmystory.com)

The Texts

Text 1- “I hope you are joking.”. Ok I know I can get away with this one. I can just pull the drunk card and tell her I was joking and lay low for a week or two. Problem solved. Text 2- “What the hell is a taco flavored kiss?” Apparently before I went out last night I watched South Park and saw the Jennifer Lopez episode where she is a puppet on Cartman’s hand and toured the country with her hit single “Taco Flavored Kisses”. Yes I know. I am a sick fucking dude. Solution- Go on You tube, find the clip, send it to her, problem solved Text 3- “Is that even physically possible?” Now this one had me curious. What could I have possibly said to this girl to prompt such a response? Did I promise to shoot lightning bolts out of my cock while screaming “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” like im in the Lord of the Rings? I don’t even want to know. This one is bad but not the worse you can do. Solution- Send a text message pretending it’s to everyone saying your phone was lost at dinner last night and need everyone’s number again. Problem solved. The fourth one is the worst and this is why I am writing this story. I look at the fourth and final text and it was from my boss.  A 27 year old female I have become close friends with. “We are going to need to sit down in my office so we can have a chat. Please come as soon as possible.”  FUCK!!!!!

As my panic attack starts I realized my ass is about to get fired. What could I have possibly said to this girl that she needs to “chat” with me as soon as possible? I hope I didn’t tell her how I wanted to secretly give her an angry pirate. (For those who don’t know what an angry pirate is it is when you are fucking a girl, you pull out and cum in her eye then you kick her in the shin and she goes ARRRRRGGGHHHH! So she has one eye and is hopping around on one leg. Hence an angry pirate.”) So I sit and contemplate my life for a few minutes remembering the times that brought me to this point.

After about an hour of sitting and looking at myself in the mirror I decide I should call her and make up an excuse why I can’t come in for a few hours and ask her what’s up. So I gave her a call. “Hey Sara its Casey I just got your text but I am playing basketball in downtown Long Beach and I wont be back for a few hours.” I explain. “Well as soon as you get back we need to sit down and have a talk about the text I received from you last night.” At this point I am screaming FUCCKKK in my head but I stay calm. “Sure no problem ill be in as soon as I get back.”

As soon as I decided to inflate my balls back to super size I grab them and get into my car wondering my fate. As I pull in she happens to be out front smoking a cigarette and watches me park. All she says to me is “Go sit in my office and ill be in in a few minutes.” So I start to sweat as I sit down in front of her desk. She sits down in front of me after about a minute and says to me “I wanted to talk about what you sent me last night at three in the morning.” FUUUUCCCCKKKK I scream in my head again. Is this bitch gonna tazer me or something. “I really like the specials you sent to me last night. I really think we can get more people in here if we use them. Can you just write down a bunch of stuff for me and ill bring it to the owner and we can go from there.” WOW ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!? While I was drunk and texting skanks all over the great state of California I came up with outstanding drink specials.

With a huge sigh of relief I make up a bunch of specials and walk out the door. It felt like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. So I drive home with a big smile on my face and thanked god I still had my job. I get back to my place and go online. My damage wasn’t done yet! Not only did I drunk text.. I also drunk facebooked and drunk myspaced as well. You have to be fucking kidding me. I go on to facebook on my profile to see I wrote a comment on my x-girlfriends new boyfriends’ page who I barely even know. When I click on his page I saw I wrote only one word. PUSSY!

Here we go again….

(This story was previously displayed at www.Lifeofmystory.com)

Throughout my life I have been set up on many blind dates, some with good results, others.. Not so much. I have met all different kinds of women, cousins, sisters, acquaintances from the bar, pet therapists, but to no avail I am still presently single. I blame some of the short comings on myself and the others on the matchmaker’s uncanny ability to match me with someone I wouldn’t date if they paid me. I mean really, I don’t consider myself more of a prize then any other normal dude walking down the street, but don’t set me up with someone that sits at home in her spare time and knits outfits for her cats then dresses them up and takes pictures for facebook. It’s just common courtesy.

 My definition of a “Matchmaker” is someone you know reasonably well that would like to set you up with a friend that they think you would be compatible with. Some people do take this very seriously though and would like to play a part in your happiness because they care about you. The other people, that I like to refer to as “Fuckers”, are more likely to introduce you to everyone they know and hope you like them so they can look like a hero and take credit. I personally think these “Fuckers” ruin it and scare innocent people who are just trying to be happy by setting them up with total opposites just to make it seem like they actually care about you. (Please do not confuse being a matchmaker with being a wingman, being a wingman is more of an art that one must learn, sort of like a karate master)

 Like everything I write about there is a story behind it. As I have stated above I have had good experiences and bad experiences on blind dates.  One date I went on sticks out in my mind and since I have been urged to write this story by my close friends, I figured screw it. I hope you all take joy from my misfortune. (I have changed the name of the lovely young lady involved to hide her true identity so she can live and peace and not lose her job.)

 The Story

One night a few years back I was approached by my boss’s wife at work about my dating habits. (We will call my boss’s wife Linda) “Casey I don’t understand why you have all these skanks coming in to visit you all the time. You are an intelligent guy, you are funny, and are a very handsome young man. You could do so much better than these train wreck alcoholics that run around in here.” Linda said with a genuine and caring voice. “But I happen to love the little train wreck alcoholics that are running around in here. Look at that girl’s skirt! This is the best place in the world!” I replied like a smart ass with a big smirk on my face. “What am I gonna do with you? One day you will meet a nice girl. I just hope I am alive to see it” Linda said as she walked away.

The next night was a Thursday night and I was working my usual 6-2 shift behind the bar. As I was in the middle of serving a customer I noticed Linda walking out of the office in my direction. As I turned I saw she had a huge smile on her face and wanted to tell me something. “I got it! Ok hear me out. I am going to set you up with a very nice young lady from my yoga class. She is your age, has a good job, she’s stable and is really nice. I really have a feeling you guys would hit it off!” Linda said as if she just solved all of my life problems. Ok first of all we all know that the word “nice” is code word for fugly, second of all how the hell could I say no to her since all she is trying to do is be a good person and actually do something nice for me. I agreed to meet her and she called me on her lunch break the next day to make plans.

 During the phone call she mentioned Linda told her that today was my day off and asked me if I wanted to meet up with her later for dinner and drinks. I obliged and she told me she heard of a place called “The Boathouse” in Belmar, NJ and wanted to check it out. I told her I have heard of it too and would love to. (Not telling her that’s my home field when I wasn’t working) So we made plans to meet at 8 pm for dinner and hung up the phone.

I showed up at “The Boathouse” around 7 pm to have a couple of drinks so I was loosened up by the time she got there. I walked in and went directly to the back of the bar where I knew my former boss Brian Holly would be working at. I sat down and said hello to Brian, we talked over my game plan, and he decided he would be my wingman for the night. After taking a few shots my phone rang “Hey Casey its Christina, I just pulled up to the bar, are you here?” She said as I heard her car door slam. “Yeah I got here a minute ago and am standing by the front door” I said while walking towards the door.

 As I got to the door it opened and in walked a beautiful girl with long brown hair, a beautiful smile and a body that would make an old man throw out his prescription for Viagra. (All I thought in my head was please be her, please be her, I swear to god ill convert to fucking Islam if this is her) “Casey” She said with a big smile on her face. I don’t know what I did at that point since I was so excited, I might have done the robot. “Hi I’m Christina; it’s so nice to meet you. Linda has been going on and on about how great of a guy you are so I figured why not” (In my head I was thinking how much of a fucking liar Linda was for telling her that about me and how much I wanted to tongue her when I got back to work) “Wow, well did I ever tell you how incredibly accurate Linda is” I said trying to be smooth. “Lets sit down and grab some food, I’m starving”

 We walked to the back and sat down in a booth and then walked over to the bar to grab a drink. As I walked up the bar I saw Brian had gotten a lot busier since I was sitting there. Out of nowhere Brian dropped everything he was doing and ran over to where we were standing “Oh my god, Casey! I saw you from the other side of the bar and said screw their drinks no one comes before Casey. Hello I am Brian Holly” he said to Christina “I just want to tell you you’re boyfriend is one of the greatest guys I have ever met. You are truly lucky you got a hold of him. Listen I am going to make you guys something special, ill be right back. Please, please sit at the bar” Brian said as he hurried away to make us our drinks. I could see her eyes widen with an astounded look on her face. Even though Brian nailed his role, I looked at her and shrugged my shoulders trying to play it cool.

 After about three hours of talking we completely hit it off. I told her how I really got there an hour early because I was nervous, and she told me she brought a water bottle of vodka with her and was sipping it on the way to ease her nerves. (Which should have been a warning sign) It all seemed cute at the time. Brian would stop over when he got slow and tell her a story about how I rescued a kitten from a burning building or some bullshit to fulfill his wingman duties, but no wingman was needed. Our personalities completely matched and it seemed that we were going to be perfect together. It was the first time in a long time I felt at total peace and had found the one I was looking for.

 Around 11:30 she looked over at me and told me she was sorry but she had to go because she promised her mom she would go to a work convention with her in the morning. “I’m so sorry I have to go. I really didn’t think this was going to go well because blind dates never do, but I’m so glad I came. Can you walk me to my car so I can say goodbye” She said with a sexy look on her face. “Sure I would love to” We held hands and talked as we walked towards her car. At that point all I could do was sing in my head “I’m gonna touch her boobies, I’m gonna touch her boobies” like the mature gentlemen I am.

 As we got to her car she told me to get in so we could talk more. As the doors slammed we started making out in her car like we were making clay pots in the movie “Ghost”. After a few minutes we started to talk again but I noticed something different about her. Her eyes were starting to get heavy and her voice was starting to slur a bit. We ended up talking for about another five minutes before she said to me “I usually don’t do this, but come over to the front of my car” Having no idea what she was going to do I excitedly got out of her car and ran to the front like I was trick or treating. But the trick was on me.

 “Give me your hand” She said looking like she was going to throw me on the hood of her car. She took my hand and pushed my fingers back leaving only two sticking straight out. I saw her eyes starting to shut at this point and she was getting wobbly. With the gentle touch of a rapist, she took my fingers and jammed them down her throat in one motion with a look on her face like a dragon attacking a small village. As I felt her mouth open wider I thought she was going to Mike Tyson my arm and bite that shit off, but her projectile vomit shot around my hand, up on my arm, and all over my shirt. I whipped my hand out of her mouth as fast as I could, but before I could crouch into my ninja fighting stance, round two came spewing out all over my jeans and new shoes. All I could think to do at that point was roundhouse kick her right in the face as hard as I could and run away.

 As I stood there frozen she laid back onto the hood of her car. “I feel much better, thank you so much. I can’t make myself throw up so I usually make my friend stick their fingers down my throat” She said slurring almost every word.  “Wow, you are a creepy bitch man” are the only words I could mustered. She pulled herself up off the car and told me she was going to drive home. Knowing damn well no matter how pissed off I was I couldn’t let her drive. So I called her roommate and she drove to the bar to pick her up. Her roommate showed up and I helped her into the car. “Don’t worry” She said looking up at me. “Ill give you a blow job next time to make up for it” “And people wonder why she’s single” Her roommate said as she ducked into her car. Let’s just say me and Linda weren’t speaking terms the next week at work.

 I try to take a lesson from every experience I have and would like to share with you what I have learned from that night. If you go out with a girl and she tells you she brought a water bottle filled with vodka on your date be sure to change your shoes before you walk her to her car. I hope my misfortunes have entertained you today.

Every once in a while you encounter a situation where you think to yourself “What the hell just happened?” You have no idea how it started and are still clueless when it’s over. You only can see your face during it like you just witnessed three midgets dressed up like ninja turtles getting kicked in the balls by a priest outside of a confessional.  You don’t quite know what to do but somehow you’re not that surprised. It’s kind of like when you find out it’s not really a cold sore but much worse.

Anyway, I myself have had a few of these instances but only one tends to stick out in my mind where I actually stopped and said “Dude… What the fuck?” Like I have said in the past, there is a story behind all of my writing and I am proud to share this story with you today.

The Story

One night a few years back, I got a call from my friend Jamie saying her and her friend Lauren was home from college and wanted to check out a bar called “Chubby’s” in Red Bank, NJ.  It was a Thursday night so it was “Tiny Heinie Night” (which means its 18 for girls to enter) so why not!? Minimally clothed 18 year olds happen to be one of my favorite past times.

When we got there our night became more like a high school reunion then anything else. After about an hour we got separated while talking to old classmates and didn’t see each other for a while. Another hour went by and I happened to look down at my phone and saw a few missed calls and texts. The first text I read was from about ten minutes before saying “We are outside, come out right now!” I went outside and saw the girls standing there and they said “Let’s get out of here, this place sucks!” No problem, we walked to my truck and got in not thinking anything of it. That was the point when I realized I had no idea what was going on and something ridiculous was about to take place.

I pulled up to the corner to leave and saw a guy walking down the sidewalk in the direction of my truck. Out of nowhere my friend Jamie stuck her head out the window and screamed to the guy “That’s what you get you fucking pussy! Go home and kill yourself!” I had no idea what was going on at that point but I started laughing anyway. I then started to turn and out of no where that dude latched onto the side of my truck like he was fucking Spiderman and started punching my window. I was about to give the dude a wet willy so he would let go, but Jamie rolled down the window and punched him square in the nose. I started laughing again. The guy was stunned for a second then started hitting my truck again like he was Chuck Norris. At that point I saw the rest of his friends running at my truck so I gunned it and made a turn through a red light trying to fling this guy off my truck like we were in Thunderdome.

In the middle of the turn the guy jumped off and red lights started flashing and the police pulled me over almost instantly. Out of nowhere three other police cars pulled up and the cops jumped out and started running towards my truck like I just blew up a donut shop down the street. At that point I had a stunned look on my face like I just found my girlfriend in bed with Barack Obama. I then stepped out of the car and the police started yelling at me to get down on the ground. All of a sudden that kid came out of no where and started freaking out in the middle of the road yelling “That girl in that truck broke my nose and I want her arrested!”

With a confused look on their face the police asked me why I ran the red light and I told them how he jumped onto my truck and I panicked. They asked him why he did that, but all he could do was continue to scream “That girl broke my nose, I want her arrested!” We could then see a cop start walking towards the truck so the girls took out their fake ids and hid them. The officer asked the girls what happened and Jamie said in an innocent little girl voice “Officer I have no idea. My friend Casey came and picked us up at the diner and this crazy guy jumped onto his truck. I am only 19 years old sir and have to be home for my curfew or my dad is going to kill me. I have no idea what’s going on.” I confirmed the story and the cop completely bought it. The cop then walked up to the guy and said “Wait, wait, wait.. You are saying SHE did this to YOU!?” He then laughed in his face while the other cops chuckled and pointed. After he regained his composure he walked over and looked at my truck to see if there was any damage. We laughed about how much of a pussy that guy was for getting beat up by a girl and then he let us go.

As I looked in my mirror I saw the guy on the ground getting arrested. Of course I started laughing once again because he was getting beat like Rodney King in the middle of the road. I then asked Jamie “What the fuck was that about?” She responded that she and Lauren were on line for the bathroom when that guy came up and started hitting on them. They politely told him they were not interested and just wanted to use the restroom. The guy then proceeded to get pissed off and call them ugly sluts and told them they were trash. (Which happens to be a great way of talking a girl into going home with you.) So taking the mature approach, Jamie poured a beer on him then cocked back and broke his nose. Why they neglected to tell me any of this before hand? I have no idea; I guess they just thought it was better off. At least we didn’t get arrested.

I try to take a lesson from every experience I have and would like to share with you what I have learned from that night. 1. If you are trying to pick up a girl and she says no, don’t call her an ugly slut… Maybe a skank, but never an ugly slut. 2. Don’t fuck with a drunk girl in line for the bathroom. When a girl has to pee she will ride horseback into a small village filled with handicapped children and burn it down to get to a bathroom. That’s just how it is. And finally number 3. If you get beat up by a girl, go directly home, do not leave your room for three months except to attend church every Sunday. But if you get beat up by the same girl twice in one night and then get arrested for being a bitch and crying to the cops about it, you should first check and see if your balls are still there, then climb up to the tallest building near your home and jump off… because you are no longer a man and should be ashamed of yourself.

Thank you once again for tuning in to hear more stories from my border line retarded life. Also always feel free to leave me a comment and let me know if you liked my story.

There are times in our lives, well to be perfectly honest, that you have looked like an asshole. It might have been something you did yourself or maybe even something someone did to you. It could have been anything from getting your pants pulled down in 5^th grade to falling down a flight of stairs, we have all been there. The worst part about this happening is the witnesses laughing in your face and making you want to crawl into a hole and die.

I have personally had many experiences like this where all anyone around you could do was point and laugh. Unfortunately for me they have all come in front of girls I was interested in. I love laughing at people when they do stupid shit as much as the next guy, its part of the American way. So what I decided to do is pick out the worst moments I have had which all include me looking like an asshole in front of a girl.

The Creature from the Black Lagoon

My third grade class decided to take a field trip to Takanasse Lake (A local lake in Long Branch,NJ) to take a look at marine and wild life. We pull up to the lake and break up into groups to observe nature and record our findings. I looked around and saw a girl I liked so I went over to talk to her. She was saying she wanted something down by the water, who knows it was probably a fucking rock or something, but being the man I am I was like “No problem baby, ill get it”. I see what looks like a hard gray surface on the top of the water so I think it’s concrete. I then jump onto the concrete only to splash into the water and hit the bottom of the lake. I climb out as quickly as I can soaked and covered from head to toe in the “concrete”. (Which later on I found out was raw sewage) The worst part is I was wearing all white sweatpants and a matching sweatshirt (I know mad pimp right) so it basically looked like a wet t-shirt contest, but instead of with water, raw sewage. I cried like a bitch and my teacher called my mother to come pick me up. Obviously my smoothness with the ladies started that day!

Speed Racer

One sunny day, like assholes, my friend Mark and I decided to take a 30 mile bike ride just for the hell of it. He showed up at my house and we planned our trip down the beach from Long Branch, NJ to Manasquan, NJ and back. He had heard that the Pro Volleyball Tournament was going on in Belmar and wanted to cruise by and check it out. We arrived in Belmar and there were thousands of people everywhere. We were cruising down Ocean Ave when I saw this smoking hot girl in a bikini standing at the corner ahead. I said to Mark “I am going to say something to her”. Right as I took my eyes off the road a crossing guard ran out and stopped the car in front of me to let her cross. I ran full steam into the back of an old beat up civic and flipped over my handle bars and landed on the trunk of the car with my feet dangling in the air. I jumped off as fast as I could and got back on my bike and started riding away while all I could hear was the lady in the car yelling at me in Spanish. I got two blocks away and stopped to turn back. All I saw was Mark sitting on the curb by where it happened laughing his ass off with other people pointing at me saying “Did you guys see that douche bag run into that car?! Who the fuck brought that guy!?” I have never got on a bike again till this day.

Superman

One day I met this girl and found out she was a college soccer player at Monmouth University in NJ. We started talking about sports and working out and totally hit it off. We were hanging out for a month at this point when she told me she was going on a run and asked me to join her. No problem. I got my gear on and drove over to her house to pick her up. We drove down to the boardwalk and stretched out for a bit and started a light jog. We were about half way down the boardwalk then and I was telling her how competitive I am and how I hate to lose and all that B.S. (Basically blowing my head up more then it already is) Right in the middle of a shit load of self promotion, I tripped on a nail sticking out of the boardwalk and proceeded to fly through the air and landed on the ground in front of her and literally skid 6 feet into a bench. As I laid there mangled against the bottom of the bench all I could hear was her laughing so hard she was gasping for air. Not only was I ridiculously embarrassed, I then discovered I was bleeding from my knees and had road rash across my stomach. All she said to me was “Damn you ARE competitive! Looks like you won the “who could look like the biggest asshole” contest. Our relationship didn’t last much longer after that.

And last but not least…

Scream Machine

It was a wonderful Thursday night at William Paterson University when my roommates and I decided to throw a party.  I called my friend and told her to come and to bring her sorority sisters with her. I hit if off with her little (little sister in her sorority) two nights before at the bar and figured I would try to impress her by throwing this big out of control party. My roommates and I then jumped into the car and made a beer run. We got back and unloaded the car and started telling everyone we were seeing in the parking lot to call all their friends because we were having a rager. As we started to set the place up for beer pong we discovered no one brought the cups in from the car. Being the gentleman I am, I volunteered to run out and get the cups so they could finish setting up. I walked out of the building and got a text from my friend saying they were almost there. Right as I was typing back I walked around the corner of the building and something caught my eye. There were six giant wild turkeys standing in front of me just looking at me. (For whoever hasn’t seen a wild turkey in person those mother fuckers are HUGE!) So I reached down as far as I could into my vagina and pulled out the loudest, most high pitched scream anyone could ever imagine. I mean my scream was so loud it would have killed a baby. The wild turkeys shot off into different directions and I looked up only to see my friend with the girl I had a crush on with three other girls. They started laughing hysterically at how much of a bitch I was and went in and told everyone it sounded like I was getting raped in prison. Let’s just say we didn’t end up working out.

Those were only a few stories of me making a total asshole out of myself in front of women and I am pretty sure they won’t be the last. I hope I was able to entertain you with my own personal anguish today. If you have any stories you would like to share about when you looked like a huge asshole please email me at CaseyDeville@Gmail.com.

 Ever since the beginning of time there have been annoying ass people. I am sure even during the time of cavemen, there was some annoying ass caveman running around with a club and some rocks just bothering the fuck out of people. He was the kind of caveman that when they were inventing fire was the jerkoff that kept blowing it out and laughing saying “Ok, do it again.. I promise I won’t blow it out this time.” Then blows the thing out again and starts laughing even more. Everywhere you go you run into these people so I figured I would start pointing them out so maybe if they read this they will change their annoying ass ways.

There are just so many kinds of annoying ass people that I have decided to break them down into different categories to help better define them. Today I will address annoying ass people while driving. They are on the roads all around us everyday and make you want to say “fuck it” and run over a group of school children. Road rage is usually the result of their actions leading to you cursing, hitting your steering wheel, flipping them the bird or in worst case scenarios, pulling out an AK-47 and going on a cross state killing spree. These people are why anger management and Steven Segal’s ponytail were invented.

The Annoying Ass People

The Intersection Blocker

Really buddy, you know I am trying to make a turn there. You can see my blinker on and see me sitting here waiting. There is no good reason during a red light you have to pull in front of an intersection and block me from turning. But the worst part is you know what you are doing and refuse to look over and make eye contact with me because you know I am cursing you off and figuring out ways to kill you and hide your body. So what do you do? Pretend you are doing something else in your car and have no idea you are making me want to round house kick small children and infants. People do it to you and you know you hate it, so why do it to anyone else? Solution- Just look at them and shake your head and let them know you’re not upset, but more disappointed in their actions. Or you can always just ram your car in into the side of theirs while screaming “FREEDOM!” like Mel Gibson in the movie “Braveheart”. Either one will do.

The Tailgater

Is it necessary to ride my ass when I am going 30 in a 25? I am obviously not going to speed up and get a ticket because you are acting like we are in chase scene from CHIPS. The worst part is that you can look in the review mirror and see their face since they’re SO damn close and they are actually pissed at you because you didn’t watch the Fast and the Furious six times before you left the house. Solution- (Well not the best thing but this is what I do) Slow down and go seven miles and hour to piss them off even more then when they speed pass you and flip you off you wave at them smiling. There is nothing worse then being happy and smiling when someone wants to murder your family. Then proceed to speed up and tailgate them while high beaming the shit out of them. Hey two wrongs don’t make a right but it sure is fun!

The Premature Honker

Seriously, does this guy have a stop watch handy when he is sitting behind you at a red light? We have all encountered these people that like to beep after the light has been green for .4 seconds. I really don’t get it. Are you really in that big of a hurry that you are going to lay on your horn as soon as the light turns green? Not only does it scare the shit out of you half of the time, it also kind of pisses you off. You know you are thinking in your head “Honk again mother fucker and ill get out of my car and spin kick you in the knee cap.” But somehow you retain your composure. Solution- Carry a water balloon filled with baby shit in your glove compartment. Wait till normal speed and launch it approximately 6-8 feet directly over the top of your car. It will land directly on the person’s windshield behind you either causing them to crash or to vomit uncontrollably all over themselves due to the smell of three day old baby shit. Hope for the latter.

The Lane Hogger

I love when you are on the highway and need to get off at an exit, so you put your blinker on and when you start to move over the guy in that lane speeds up and doesn’t let you in. At this moment of your life you have two things that run through your mind. The first, “Wow that guy is a jerk. I can’t believe he didn’t let me in.” The second, you picture yourself slamming your car into the side of his like you are in “Terminator 2” and trying to either run their car into a pole and off a bridge somewhere. Solution- There is two possible scenarios. One, you have to just take it on the chin, slow down and wait for Jeff Jarret to pass then get off at your exit and pretend nothing ever happened. Two, say “fuck it” and follow him to his destination and challenge to him to a fight till the death “Gladiator” style.

And last but not least…

The Worst Driver of All Time

This person is not on the road with you, you are actually in the car with them. You are sitting in the passenger seat and are not yet aware that this person is the worst driver of all time. You don’t notice it at first because you have only been in the car for a few blocks now but then it hits you. HOLY SHIT… I’m going to fucking die. They are trying to drive while talking on their cell phone, smoking a cigarette, driving stick and fucking with their I pod. They are swerving around traffic, speeding and are completely unaware you just shit your pants right next to them. You are scared to say anything because you think if you distract them anymore they are going to kill us, so you sit in silence and secretly pray to every god you can think of. This person really needs to be ripped from their car, beat with a belt, and then tarred and skittled for their driving skills.   Solution- There is a few things you can do in this situation. You can either never drive with this person again, which is a smart idea. You can wait until they start to slow down and then dive out of the car and roll down the street like you are John Goodman in “The Big Lebowski”. Or, you can wait till they get in your car and then scare the shit out of them as a form of payback. I would pick the second one.

These are a few things that annoy and scare the shit out of me while driving. I am sure there are thousands more but I had to narrow it down so my story didn’t end up looking like a book from the “Lord of The Rings” trilogy. I hope I was able to entertain you today and if you have any suggestions about more things to add to this list I would love to hear!

Once upon a time we have all heard the very over used and very lame expression “Whatever happens in …. Stays in ….” It has been used for years as an excuse for guys and girls to cheat on each other, act like whores, or pretend like they had a better time then they actually did.  But in some cases it is actually better to leave behind what happened and pretend it never did.

I have ridiculed this expression and people who use it for quite some time now. However, what I have found from experience is sometimes shit happens, and you need to say something when people ask you. I have said in the past that there is a story behind everything I write. What I am about to tell you is a true story with all names changed to protect the guilty and the innocent. Or the guilty from the innocent!

The Story

One night I got a call from a co-worker Ken saying he and some of his buddies are going down to Tijuana for the night for his best friend John’s bachelor party and he wanted me to go. So I said sure why not, I mean Tijuana is world known for its strip clubs and the things that go on behind closed doors there.  He told me to come to his place in Long Beach and to hurry my ass up. As I pull up to his house I see seven guys outside on the porch smoking cigarettes and pounding some beers. I walk up and introduce myself and about ten minutes later we get into the cars and to head to Mexico.

As we got to the border we parked in a lot and took a cab down into Tijuana to prevent our cars from being stolen and turned into boats so Sancho could float across the border and steal even more of our jobs. There was a line of cabs waiting so we jumped into one to get to our destination. As we got into the cab we realized something smelled like baby shit. We were all looking around trying to figure out where the smell was coming from when we all figured it out at the same time. It was the cab driver. This dude looked like a pirate that just fell in a puddle of shit and wiped himself off with a dirtier pirate. So we rolled down the windows and told him to take us to the best strip club in Tijuana.

After about 25 minutes of driving we pulled up to a place named Adelita’s and got out and headed in. We start talking shots and pounding beers to celebrate John’s last night as a free man. As the night grew later it seemed like the beer started tasting better and the lap dances were getting longer, or maybe we were just drunk. We looked over and saw John’s hammered ass sitting on a bar stool talking to a couple strippers. We walked over and told the girl’s it was John’s bachelor party and they should take special care of him.

While John was getting his “special” lap dances in the corner behind a curtain I see Ken talking to this hot blonde in the corner. As he turns around and points at us she looks over, I knew something good was about to happen. Ken ran over to us a few minutes later and told everyone to give him 20 dollars right now and to not ask questions. After we all gave him the money he told us this is the best 20 dollars we have ever spent.

We were all standing there wondering what the hell could possibly happen next. John comes out from his “special” dances with a smile on his face and walks over to us. Just before he could tell us what happened Ken runs over and says “Johnny we all chipped in and got you a special present for your last night as a free man”. Right then the hot blonde walked up to us and grabbed John by his shirt and pulled him up the stairs in the back of the place. 

All of a sudden Ken started busting out laughing and tells us to keep watching the door John just went into. So a minute goes by and we started to get annoyed and told Ken if he doesn’t tell us what’s going on we are going to go back to getting lap dances. So Ken told us “Dude, that blonde was a fucking tranny. Just wait you are going to see John come running out as soon as he figures it out!” All I could say was “Wow” that is the best prank I have ever seen. So we all start crying watching for John to come running out.

About 25 minutes went by and now we were starting to get worried. Did he freak out and get killed by one of the security guards upstairs? We had no idea. All of a sudden John comes walking out and comes over to us. I was expecting him to freak out and start punching people in the face. All he said was “Dude I cant believe she let me fuck her in the ass”.  We stood there and didn’t say a word. Ken then busts out “Dude that’s awesome”.  I think I threw up in my mouth at that point. John then thanked us for giving him the best night of his life and was ready to go home. We all got in the cab and went back to the border. No one talked about what had happened the entire ride only talking about how drunk they were and how great of a night we had.

John went off the next day and got married and is currently living happily ever after with his wife in Southern California. He stills refers to that night as the best night of his entire life. Till this day he still has no idea he fucked another man in the ass the night before his wedding. When asked about what happened in Tijuana that night we only say one thing… Whatever happens in Mexico, stays in Mexico… Until now that is…

The picture above is an actual picture I took. If you look closely underneath you can see the Ray Finkel buldge in the thong!

There is a situation I would like to address that has been affecting not only myself but every other innocent bar patron across this great land. You can see it coming from a mile away and somehow can never prevent this situation from occurring. It is not a matter of national security but more a matter of personal security. This, my friend, is the reason why various weapons of self defense, such as kung fu and Steven Segal’s pony tail, have been created.

We have all seen these annoying drunk people you want to eye gouge every time you go to the bar. They always come up to you with some bullshit that annoys you to the point where you actually consider pepper spraying them in the middle of the conversation. After dealing with these kinds of people for a while I decided to break them down into different categories and help to better identify them so we can all laugh in their faces and say “hey, look at that douche bag over there” every time we see them. 

The Over Friendly Drunk

You know the person I am talking about. The one that is so excited to see you yet you were never really good friends to begin with. Seriously, just because you are drunk and were in the same class in second grade doesn’t mean we are best friends. We weren’t best friends before we got here and there is a pretty good chance we aren’t going to be after we leave. I really don’t care how it’s going at work and I don’t really want to talk about how cool it was the one time we hung out during high school. We both know neither one of us care how the other one is doing. So just say hello and keep it moving. I don’t really like you that much anyway.

The Touchy Feely Drunk

Ok buddy, stop hugging me or even worse… Stop kissing me on the cheek. Not only is that weird but its just fucking creepy. We are not in the mafia and don’t kiss each other to say hello. I am not a 65 year old Italian man named Tommy Two Balls so please stop fucking kissing me. The only time a straight man should kiss another man on the cheek is when he either just saved his life or just informed him the chick he is about to go home with is actually a man named Larry that use to be his football coach when he was seven. (In this case a kiss on both cheeks is required) So seriously buddy, keep your hands and your lips to yourself unless you want me to show you the capital of Thailand.

The Drama Queen

There is always the one girl that is just fucking nuts. I mean most bitches are nuts but I’m saying needs to be locked up kind of shit. These people cannot go out and just have a good time. They always have to ruin your time and everyone else’s time around you by being an over dramatic sensitive bitch. “Oh my god, that girl is talking to my ex-boyfriend from 3 years ago and I can’t handle it. I am going to cry.” Ok seriously bitch, cut the shit. You know damn well you tripped, fell, and landed on someone else’s dick after him. So quit crying and try having fun for once. I will thank you, the rest of the people in the bar will thank you and your friends might actually not talk shit about you when you’re not around. We all know how it is. “Oh god Becky is coming with us tonight?” Don’t be that girl. Cut the shit and be a normal human.

The Skank

We see you skanks out there making out with other girls for attention, wearing your little skirts and showing so much tit you are making everyone else in the bar thirsty for milk and cookies. It is kind of hot, not gonna lie. But are you really going to come up to me and expect me to buy you a drink? Let’s be serious here. I would rather chew broken glass than buy you a drink you skank. We know you come out with no money and expect everyone else to pay for you. The only way I would buy you a drink is if you bought me a drink first or if you just blew me behind the bar in my civic. So quit begging for shit and bring your own money. But if you want to come home with me afterwards that’s cool too. You know I love you baby.

The Tough Guy

We have all seen these blood boiling savages strolling around the bar thinking they are the world’s toughest man like they just won the WWF Heavyweight Championship belt from Hulk Hogan. You can usually spot them wearing their cute little MMA t-shirts and talking about how comfortable their crocs are. They usually talk loud enough for everyone to hear them while walking around like they are carrying luggage. Ok first of all drop the suitcases then go home and change your tampon because when you go to a crowded bar you are going to get bumped into, there is no reason to try to start a fight. Second of all as soon as you get kicked out someone is going to make out with your girlfriend cause she thinks you are a tool, so by all means, be a fucking tough guy. Hopefully she won’t give me herpes.

And last but not least…

The Oh Fuck Person

Yes you guessed it. I am talking about the person you brought home last week. You don’t really remember what happened but know you made out in the bar for about 45 minutes like you were making clay pots in the movie “Ghost”. What’s the first think you think when you see this person? “Oh fuck! I hope they don’t see me”.  You try to avoid them the entire night and spend your time bobbing and weaving in between tables and chairs. To make it even funnier you actually just looked in your phone today, saw their number, laughed and erased it. Now they are standing across from you wondering if you want to be a contestant in a little game called “Who’s in my mouth”. So you do what everyone else does, take about 10 shots to your face and do it all over again and hope you wear a condom this time.

These are some of the things I tend to notice when I go out to a bar. I am what some people call a “People watcher” and like to take in and absorb my surroundings. So next time you are at a bar I am sure you will get stuck in that awkward situation with the over friendly guy or see the skank maneuvering around the bar like a cheetah and you will crack a smile now having a way to identify these freaks of nature.

Shout out to Shaun Booth for the term “Blood boiling savages” one drunk night driving to the tiki bar.