“Are you fucking serious?” Is the exact phrase I used when I woke up this morning. I looked down at my phone all hung over as a mother fucker and realized I went on a drunk texting spree the night before. I look in my inbox and have four text messages, all from different girls. So I think to myself ok let me look in my outbox to see what kind of damage I did. As I open my outbox I realize it’s empty. “Let’s fucking go”. I have out smarted myself again. I erased my outbox to cover the tracks. And here my journey begins.
The Texts
Text 1- “I hope you are joking.”. Ok I know I can get away with this one. I can just pull the drunk card and tell her I was joking and lay low for a week or two. Problem solved. Text 2- “What the hell is a taco flavored kiss?” Apparently before I went out last night I watched South Park and saw the Jennifer Lopez episode where she is a puppet on Cartman’s hand and toured the country with her hit single “Taco Flavored Kisses”. Yes I know. I am a sick fucking dude. Solution- Go on You tube, find the clip, send it to her, problem solved Text 3- “Is that even physically possible?” Now this one had me curious. What could I have possibly said to this girl to prompt such a response? Did I promise to shoot lightning bolts out of my cock while screaming “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” like im in the Lord of the Rings? I don’t even want to know. This one is bad but not the worse you can do. Solution- Send a text message pretending it’s to everyone saying your phone was lost at dinner last night and need everyone’s number again. Problem solved. The fourth one is the worst and this is why I am writing this story. I look at the fourth and final text and it was from my boss. A 27 year old female I have become close friends with. “We are going to need to sit down in my office so we can have a chat. Please come as soon as possible.” FUCK!!!!!
As my panic attack starts I realized my ass is about to get fired. What could I have possibly said to this girl that she needs to “chat” with me as soon as possible? I hope I didn’t tell her how I wanted to secretly give her an angry pirate. (For those who don’t know what an angry pirate is it is when you are fucking a girl, you pull out and cum in her eye then you kick her in the shin and she goes ARRRRRGGGHHHH! So she has one eye and is hopping around on one leg. Hence an angry pirate.”) So I sit and contemplate my life for a few minutes remembering the times that brought me to this point.
After about an hour of sitting and looking at myself in the mirror I decide I should call her and make up an excuse why I can’t come in for a few hours and ask her what’s up. So I gave her a call. “Hey Sara its Casey I just got your text but I am playing basketball in downtown Long Beach and I wont be back for a few hours.” I explain. “Well as soon as you get back we need to sit down and have a talk about the text I received from you last night.” At this point I am screaming FUCCKKK in my head but I stay calm. “Sure no problem ill be in as soon as I get back.”
As soon as I decided to inflate my balls back to super size I grab them and get into my car wondering my fate. As I pull in she happens to be out front smoking a cigarette and watches me park. All she says to me is “Go sit in my office and ill be in in a few minutes.” So I start to sweat as I sit down in front of her desk. She sits down in front of me after about a minute and says to me “I wanted to talk about what you sent me last night at three in the morning.” FUUUUCCCCKKKK I scream in my head again. Is this bitch gonna tazer me or something. “I really like the specials you sent to me last night. I really think we can get more people in here if we use them. Can you just write down a bunch of stuff for me and ill bring it to the owner and we can go from there.” WOW ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!? While I was drunk and texting skanks all over the great state of California I came up with outstanding drink specials.
With a huge sigh of relief I make up a bunch of specials and walk out the door. It felt like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. So I drive home with a big smile on my face and thanked god I still had my job. I get back to my place and go online. My damage wasn’t done yet! Not only did I drunk text.. I also drunk facebooked and drunk myspaced as well. You have to be fucking kidding me. I go on to facebook on my profile to see I wrote a comment on my x-girlfriends new boyfriends’ page who I barely even know. When I click on his page I saw I wrote only one word. PUSSY!
Here we go again….
(This story was previously displayed at www.Lifeofmystory.com)
Posted on August 18, 2010
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