The Blind Date Fiasco

 

Throughout my life I have been set up on many blind dates, some with good results, others.. Not so much. I have met all different kinds of women, cousins, sisters, acquaintances from the bar, pet therapists, but to no avail I am still presently single. I blame some of the short comings on myself and the others on the matchmaker’s uncanny ability to match me with someone I wouldn’t date if they paid me. I mean really, I don’t consider myself more of a prize then any other normal dude walking down the street, but don’t set me up with someone that sits at home in her spare time and knits outfits for her cats then dresses them up and takes pictures for facebook. It’s just common courtesy.

 My definition of a “Matchmaker” is someone you know reasonably well that would like to set you up with a friend that they think you would be compatible with. Some people do take this very seriously though and would like to play a part in your happiness because they care about you. The other people, that I like to refer to as “Fuckers”, are more likely to introduce you to everyone they know and hope you like them so they can look like a hero and take credit. I personally think these “Fuckers” ruin it and scare innocent people who are just trying to be happy by setting them up with total opposites just to make it seem like they actually care about you. (Please do not confuse being a matchmaker with being a wingman, being a wingman is more of an art that one must learn, sort of like a karate master)

 Like everything I write about there is a story behind it. As I have stated above I have had good experiences and bad experiences on blind dates.  One date I went on sticks out in my mind and since I have been urged to write this story by my close friends, I figured screw it. I hope you all take joy from my misfortune. (I have changed the name of the lovely young lady involved to hide her true identity so she can live and peace and not lose her job.)

 The Story

One night a few years back I was approached by my boss’s wife at work about my dating habits. (We will call my boss’s wife Linda) “Casey I don’t understand why you have all these skanks coming in to visit you all the time. You are an intelligent guy, you are funny, and are a very handsome young man. You could do so much better than these train wreck alcoholics that run around in here.” Linda said with a genuine and caring voice. “But I happen to love the little train wreck alcoholics that are running around in here. Look at that girl’s skirt! This is the best place in the world!” I replied like a smart ass with a big smirk on my face. “What am I gonna do with you? One day you will meet a nice girl. I just hope I am alive to see it” Linda said as she walked away.

The next night was a Thursday night and I was working my usual 6-2 shift behind the bar. As I was in the middle of serving a customer I noticed Linda walking out of the office in my direction. As I turned I saw she had a huge smile on her face and wanted to tell me something. “I got it! Ok hear me out. I am going to set you up with a very nice young lady from my yoga class. She is your age, has a good job, she’s stable and is really nice. I really have a feeling you guys would hit it off!” Linda said as if she just solved all of my life problems. Ok first of all we all know that the word “nice” is code word for fugly, second of all how the hell could I say no to her since all she is trying to do is be a good person and actually do something nice for me. I agreed to meet her and she called me on her lunch break the next day to make plans.

 During the phone call she mentioned Linda told her that today was my day off and asked me if I wanted to meet up with her later for dinner and drinks. I obliged and she told me she heard of a place called “The Boathouse” in Belmar, NJ and wanted to check it out. I told her I have heard of it too and would love to. (Not telling her that’s my home field when I wasn’t working) So we made plans to meet at 8 pm for dinner and hung up the phone.

I showed up at “The Boathouse” around 7 pm to have a couple of drinks so I was loosened up by the time she got there. I walked in and went directly to the back of the bar where I knew my former boss Brian Holly would be working at. I sat down and said hello to Brian, we talked over my game plan, and he decided he would be my wingman for the night. After taking a few shots my phone rang “Hey Casey its Christina, I just pulled up to the bar, are you here?” She said as I heard her car door slam. “Yeah I got here a minute ago and am standing by the front door” I said while walking towards the door.

 As I got to the door it opened and in walked a beautiful girl with long brown hair, a beautiful smile and a body that would make an old man throw out his prescription for Viagra. (All I thought in my head was please be her, please be her, I swear to god ill convert to fucking Islam if this is her) “Casey” She said with a big smile on her face. I don’t know what I did at that point since I was so excited, I might have done the robot. “Hi I’m Christina; it’s so nice to meet you. Linda has been going on and on about how great of a guy you are so I figured why not” (In my head I was thinking how much of a fucking liar Linda was for telling her that about me and how much I wanted to tongue her when I got back to work) “Wow, well did I ever tell you how incredibly accurate Linda is” I said trying to be smooth. “Lets sit down and grab some food, I’m starving”

 We walked to the back and sat down in a booth and then walked over to the bar to grab a drink. As I walked up the bar I saw Brian had gotten a lot busier since I was sitting there. Out of nowhere Brian dropped everything he was doing and ran over to where we were standing “Oh my god, Casey! I saw you from the other side of the bar and said screw their drinks no one comes before Casey. Hello I am Brian Holly” he said to Christina “I just want to tell you you’re boyfriend is one of the greatest guys I have ever met. You are truly lucky you got a hold of him. Listen I am going to make you guys something special, ill be right back. Please, please sit at the bar” Brian said as he hurried away to make us our drinks. I could see her eyes widen with an astounded look on her face. Even though Brian nailed his role, I looked at her and shrugged my shoulders trying to play it cool.

 After about three hours of talking we completely hit it off. I told her how I really got there an hour early because I was nervous, and she told me she brought a water bottle of vodka with her and was sipping it on the way to ease her nerves. (Which should have been a warning sign) It all seemed cute at the time. Brian would stop over when he got slow and tell her a story about how I rescued a kitten from a burning building or some bullshit to fulfill his wingman duties, but no wingman was needed. Our personalities completely matched and it seemed that we were going to be perfect together. It was the first time in a long time I felt at total peace and had found the one I was looking for.

 Around 11:30 she looked over at me and told me she was sorry but she had to go because she promised her mom she would go to a work convention with her in the morning. “I’m so sorry I have to go. I really didn’t think this was going to go well because blind dates never do, but I’m so glad I came. Can you walk me to my car so I can say goodbye” She said with a sexy look on her face. “Sure I would love to” We held hands and talked as we walked towards her car. At that point all I could do was sing in my head “I’m gonna touch her boobies, I’m gonna touch her boobies” like the mature gentlemen I am.

 As we got to her car she told me to get in so we could talk more. As the doors slammed we started making out in her car like we were making clay pots in the movie “Ghost”. After a few minutes we started to talk again but I noticed something different about her. Her eyes were starting to get heavy and her voice was starting to slur a bit. We ended up talking for about another five minutes before she said to me “I usually don’t do this, but come over to the front of my car” Having no idea what she was going to do I excitedly got out of her car and ran to the front like I was trick or treating. But the trick was on me.

 “Give me your hand” She said looking like she was going to throw me on the hood of her car. She took my hand and pushed my fingers back leaving only two sticking straight out. I saw her eyes starting to shut at this point and she was getting wobbly. With the gentle touch of a rapist, she took my fingers and jammed them down her throat in one motion with a look on her face like a dragon attacking a small village. As I felt her mouth open wider I thought she was going to Mike Tyson my arm and bite that shit off, but her projectile vomit shot around my hand, up on my arm, and all over my shirt. I whipped my hand out of her mouth as fast as I could, but before I could crouch into my ninja fighting stance, round two came spewing out all over my jeans and new shoes. All I could think to do at that point was roundhouse kick her right in the face as hard as I could and run away.

 As I stood there frozen she laid back onto the hood of her car. “I feel much better, thank you so much. I can’t make myself throw up so I usually make my friend stick their fingers down my throat” She said slurring almost every word.  “Wow, you are a creepy bitch man” are the only words I could mustered. She pulled herself up off the car and told me she was going to drive home. Knowing damn well no matter how pissed off I was I couldn’t let her drive. So I called her roommate and she drove to the bar to pick her up. Her roommate showed up and I helped her into the car. “Don’t worry” She said looking up at me. “Ill give you a blow job next time to make up for it” “And people wonder why she’s single” Her roommate said as she ducked into her car. Let’s just say me and Linda weren’t speaking terms the next week at work.

 I try to take a lesson from every experience I have and would like to share with you what I have learned from that night. If you go out with a girl and she tells you she brought a water bottle filled with vodka on your date be sure to change your shoes before you walk her to her car. I hope my misfortunes have entertained you today.

Posted in: Casey Deville