The Cleveland Steamer

Once a semester during college I use to visit my best friend Bill (or “Dubs” as they called him at school) at Clarion University directly outside Pittsburgh, PA. It was a small school but was filled with crazy mother fuckers that only wanted to play beer pong and party until the sun came up, so of course I fit right in. It was about a six hour drive so my time spent there was nothing but parties, bars and knocking over mailboxes. (Hey you have to entertain yourself somehow.) One morning I woke up and was tired from the pressures of being a student so I called Dubs, skipped my classes and off to Clarion I went.

The Story

After jumping in my car around 12 in the afternoon I started approaching Clarion around 6pm. I talked to Dubs on the way and he told me about the parties that were going on and what girls he was auctioning off to me for the weekend. It sounded like every other shit show I experienced whenever I visited, so of course, I was excited. I mean none of us were actually considered upstanding citizens at that time so you knew something interesting was going to happen.

After six long hours of driving I was exhausted and just wanted to sit down and drink a beer. While pulling up to his house, Dubs stuck his head out the front door and yelled back up the stairs “Yo Casey is here, lets get the fuck out of here!” Dubs came walking over to me with a smirk on his face and before he even said hello he busted out laughing and said “Yeah dude I kind of lied to you. There are no parties here this weekend so grab your shit we are going to Cleveland!”  (Cleveland was another 3 hours away and it was snowing… probably a good idea) So Dubs, his roommate Billy, Billy’s friend Trozey and myself got into Billy’s shit tank Ford Explorer and left for Cleveland.

We pulled up to their friend’s house at John Carroll University around nine o’clock and immediately started playing beer pong in the basement. Billy’s friend told us about a bar called “The Dirty Pig” so we decided fuck it lets go. I mean a place called the “The Dirty Pig” has to be pretty sweet, it’s just logic. As soon as the bar was mentioned Trozey told us he had no money on him and asked us to spot him until we got back to Clarion. The stand up guys we were we decided to play a little game called “What will you do for beer”. (Basically we tell you what to do and then buy you a beer if you do it.)

All Trozey said was “What do I have to do?” I happened to notice a big pot sitting over in the corner of the kitchen so I went and looked at what was inside. I saw that someone in the house was obviously a dipper (put tobacco in their lip) and used the pot as a spitter. With closer examination I also came to find floating cigarette butts and what appeared to be vomit. So being the bartender I am I broke out some shot glasses and filled them up and told him “You have to take five shots to get five beers” And we shook hands.

Without hesitation Trozey picked up the shot glass and knocked down four shots in a row. “That was worth at least four drinks!” Trozey said with look on his face like he just shit out a small child. Before I could give a response it looked like Trozey’s head exploded as he projectile vomited all over the window sill and shade above the sink. I started laughing my ass off and took another sip of my beer. Dubs walked up and rubbed his back with a calm and consoling voice and said “See man.. It wasn’t that bad. We are proud of you.. But you said you would take five.. Sorry man.. BETS OFF!”  Dubs high fived me and Billy and we all started laughing at how it sucked to be him.  We then looked around and made our way to the door before anyone saw the throw up.

We rolled up to the “The Dirty Pig” around eleven o’clock and started walking up the street towards the bar. As we got up to the door we noticed that the place was absolutely empty. “You gotta be fucking kidding me”. We walked in and the place looked like they were keeping Iraqi hostages hidden from the U.S. government. I walked into the bathroom and one urinal was over flowing with piss and it smelled like Bigfoot’s dick after he ran a marathon through Southeast Asia. I mean really.. Does your bathroom have to look like the cave Jesus was born in? No reason. So obviously we made like a tree and got the fuck out of there.

As we walked back to the car to find another bar we passed a dark alley and heard someone make a noise. We all crouched into our Chuck Norris fighting stances when a large Rastafarian came walking out of the darkness towards us. I mean this guy looked like Queen Latifah fucked the predator and this was their love child. I was about to pepper spray the shit out of him when he said in his cool ass Rasta voice “You white boys want to have some fun?” Logic tells you to scissorkick him in the knee cap and run, but apparently we forgot our logic somewhere in Pittsburgh. “What do you have in mind?” I said. “Follow me white boys and you will see.” We all looked at each other and said fuck it and followed him down the dark alley.

At the end of the alley we saw a large sliding metal door and he said “Ok that will be ten dollars each”. We paid him his money and he slid the door open to reveal a large rave inside of the warehouse. We stopped dead in our tracks and had no idea what to do. We walked in and everyone was dancing around with glow sticks going fucking nuts! People looked like they took ten hits of acid and were having sex with themselves in the middle of the dance floor. Never being in this type of atmosphere before all we could do was shake our heads and walk over and stand in the corner. I mean we looked more out of place then a homeless man in line at a job interview and everyone knew it.

Out of nowhere this little fat girl with bright pink hair comes running over to us and asked Billy to dance with her. Billy took the polite route and said “No thank you”, she then looked at Dubs and he just laughed right in her face, so now I’m the only one left standing since Trozey disappeared. I tried to be polite and say no but she just rubbed me the wrong way with her nagging so I told her to “Get the fuck away from us you creepy little bitch” Dubs was crying at that point. I could see a switch flip in her eyes and she started screaming loud as hell. Dubs was still laughing directly in her face at that point, which didn’t go over well, and Billy was standing there with his mouth open not saying a word. All of a sudden she looked at Billy (the only nice innocent guy) and said “Whatever you look like you are gay anyway.. Why don’t you go suck his dick.”  At this point Dubs and I were jumping around behind Billy screaming and flailing our arms in the air like we just heard the best “Yo momma” joke ever while standing on the corner in the projects. Billy had a look on his face like he just fell ass first into a tub of dildos. All he could say was “What the fuck dude.. I didn’t say shit to her!”

A few more hours went by and we walked around and got hammered and talked to random people. It was about four a.m. at this point and we were getting tired and we decided to pack it up and move out. We got back to his friends house and drank a little more before picking out a couch and going to sleep. Our night was finally over… We thought.

At about six in the morning I heard a weird noise coming from about ten feet away. We all seemed to wake up at the same time, looked at each other, and then looked around to see where it was coming from. At the same time we all saw a guy standing about two feet away from Dubs face pissing on a pair of sneakers sitting against the wall. “Look at that fucking guy man.. He is writing his name!” I said in amazement. After he finished he stumbled over and almost sat down on Dubs face. “What the fuck are you doing man. Get the fuck out of here before I Hulk Hogan you man!” Dubs yelled as he took the guy and threw him over side of the couch. The guy jumped right back up, and stumbled back up the stairs. “What a fucking weirdo man” Dubs said as he laid back down. We all went back to sleep at that point.

About a half an hour later I woke back up because I heard another noise. We all looked around at each other and saw a different guy coming down the stairs. He went into the kitchen and grabbed a water and walked over to his sneakers. He picked one up and stuck his foot in. All you heard was SQUISH “Dude what the fuck happened to my sneakers?” “Dude that fucking pussy from upstairs came down and pissed on them man, then he tried to fucking tea bag me.” Dubs said laughing. “He pissed on my sneakers again!?” At that point the kid went rushing up the stairs so we knew we needed to leave. We jumped up, went and stole all their beer out of the fridge and ran out and drove back to Clarion.

Our night was finally over….

Throughout my life I have always lived by the motto “Make good stories, not decisions” and this story obviously demonstrated that. We had no business doing anything we did that night but ended up benefiting from it. I always try to convey a message to my readers with every story. Obviously what you should take from this story is to always trust large Rastafarians that emerge from dark alleys. And of course, if you are drunk and can’t find a toilet, your friend’s shoes are always a great place to go! Thanks for reading my story today. Feel free to leave any comments!

I would also like to apologize to my boys that were with me for leaving out the drug bust on the bottom floor of your house when I got there and Billy driving onto the median in the snow and almost hitting a bridge because he was smoking a bowl.

Posted in: Casey Deville