Tiny Heinie Night

Every once in a while you encounter a situation where you think to yourself “What the hell just happened?” You have no idea how it started and are still clueless when it’s over. You only can see your face during it like you just witnessed three midgets dressed up like ninja turtles getting kicked in the balls by a priest outside of a confessional.  You don’t quite know what to do but somehow you’re not that surprised. It’s kind of like when you find out it’s not really a cold sore but much worse.

 

Anyway, I myself have had a few of these instances but only one tends to stick out in my mind where I actually stopped and said “Dude… What the fuck?” Like I have said in the past, there is a story behind all of my writing and I am proud to share this story with you today.

 

The Story

 

One night a few years back, I got a call from my friend Jamie saying her and her friend Lauren was home from college and wanted to check out a bar called “Chubby’s” in Red Bank, NJ.  It was a Thursday night so it was “Tiny Heinie Night” (which means its 18 for girls to enter) so why not!? Minimally clothed 18 year olds happen to be one of my favorite past times.

 

When we got there our night became more like a high school reunion then anything else. After about an hour we got separated while talking to old classmates and didn’t see each other for a while. Another hour went by and I happened to look down at my phone and saw a few missed calls and texts. The first text I read was from about ten minutes before saying “We are outside, come out right now!” I went outside and saw the girls standing there and they said “Let’s get out of here, this place sucks!” No problem, we walked to my truck and got in not thinking anything of it. That was the point when I realized I had no idea what was going on and something ridiculous was about to take place.

 

I pulled up to the corner to leave and saw a guy walking down the sidewalk in the direction of my truck. Out of nowhere my friend Jamie stuck her head out the window and screamed to the guy “That’s what you get you fucking pussy! Go home and kill yourself!” I had no idea what was going on at that point but I started laughing anyway. I then started to turn and out of no where that dude latched onto the side of my truck like he was fucking Spiderman and started punching my window. I was about to give the dude a wet willy so he would let go, but Jamie rolled down the window and punched him square in the nose. I started laughing again. The guy was stunned for a second then started hitting my truck again like he was Chuck Norris. At that point I saw the rest of his friends running at my truck so I gunned it and made a turn through a red light trying to fling this guy off my truck like we were in Thunderdome.

 

In the middle of the turn the guy jumped off and red lights started flashing and the police pulled me over almost instantly. Out of nowhere three other police cars pulled up and the cops jumped out and started running towards my truck like I just blew up a donut shop down the street. At that point I had a stunned look on my face like I just found my girlfriend in bed with Barack Obama. I then stepped out of the car and the police started yelling at me to get down on the ground. All of a sudden that kid came out of no where and started freaking out in the middle of the road yelling “That girl in that truck broke my nose and I want her arrested!”

 

With a confused look on their face the police asked me why I ran the red light and I told them how he jumped onto my truck and I panicked. They asked him why he did that, but all he could do was continue to scream “That girl broke my nose, I want her arrested!” We could then see a cop start walking towards the truck so the girls took out their fake ids and hid them. The officer asked the girls what happened and Jamie said in an innocent little girl voice “Officer I have no idea. My friend Casey came and picked us up at the diner and this crazy guy jumped onto his truck. I am only 19 years old sir and have to be home for my curfew or my dad is going to kill me. I have no idea what’s going on.” I confirmed the story and the cop completely bought it. The cop then walked up to the guy and said “Wait, wait, wait.. You are saying SHE did this to YOU!?” He then laughed in his face while the other cops chuckled and pointed. After he regained his composure he walked over and looked at my truck to see if there was any damage. We laughed about how much of a pussy that guy was for getting beat up by a girl and then he let us go.

 

As I looked in my mirror I saw the guy on the ground getting arrested. Of course I started laughing once again because he was getting beat like Rodney King in the middle of the road. I then asked Jamie “What the fuck was that about?” She responded that she and Lauren were on line for the bathroom when that guy came up and started hitting on them. They politely told him they were not interested and just wanted to use the restroom. The guy then proceeded to get pissed off and call them ugly sluts and told them they were trash. (Which happens to be a great way of talking a girl into going home with you.) So taking the mature approach, Jamie poured a beer on him then cocked back and broke his nose. Why they neglected to tell me any of this before hand? I have no idea; I guess they just thought it was better off. At least we didn’t get arrested.

 

I try to take a lesson from every experience I have and would like to share with you what I have learned from that night. 1. If you are trying to pick up a girl and she says no, don’t call her an ugly slut… Maybe a skank, but never an ugly slut. 2. Don’t fuck with a drunk girl in line for the bathroom. When a girl has to pee she will ride horseback into a small village filled with handicapped children and burn it down to get to a bathroom. That’s just how it is. And finally number 3. If you get beat up by a girl, go directly home, do not leave your room for three months except to attend church every Sunday. But if you get beat up by the same girl twice in one night and then get arrested for being a bitch and crying to the cops about it, you should first check and see if your balls are still there, then climb up to the tallest building near your home and jump off… because you are no longer a man and should be ashamed of yourself.

 

Thank you once again for tuning in to hear more stories from my border line retarded life. Also always feel free to leave me a comment and let me know if you liked my story.

Posted in: Casey Deville