Crashing and Burning… Deville Style

 

There are times in our lives, well to be perfectly honest, that you have looked like an asshole. It might have been something you did yourself or maybe even something someone did to you. It could have been anything from getting your pants pulled down in 5^th grade to falling down a flight of stairs, we have all been there. The worst part about this happening is the witnesses laughing in your face and making you want to crawl into a hole and die.

 

I have personally had many experiences like this where all anyone around you could do was point and laugh. Unfortunately for me they have all come in front of girls I was interested in. I love laughing at people when they do stupid shit as much as the next guy, its part of the American way. So what I decided to do is pick out the worst moments I have had which all include me looking like an asshole in front of a girl.

 

The Creature from the Black Lagoon

My third grade class decided to take a field trip to Takanasse Lake (A local lake in Long Branch,NJ) to take a look at marine and wild life. We pull up to the lake and break up into groups to observe nature and record our findings. I looked around and saw a girl I liked so I went over to talk to her. She was saying she wanted something down by the water, who knows it was probably a fucking rock or something, but being the man I am I was like “No problem baby, ill get it”. I see what looks like a hard gray surface on the top of the water so I think it’s concrete. I then jump onto the concrete only to splash into the water and hit the bottom of the lake. I climb out as quickly as I can soaked and covered from head to toe in the “concrete”. (Which later on I found out was raw sewage) The worst part is I was wearing all white sweatpants and a matching sweatshirt (I know mad pimp right) so it basically looked like a wet t-shirt contest, but instead of with water, raw sewage. I cried like a bitch and my teacher called my mother to come pick me up. Obviously my smoothness with the ladies started that day!

 

Speed Racer

One sunny day, like assholes, my friend Mark and I decided to take a 30 mile bike ride just for the hell of it. He showed up at my house and we planned our trip down the beach from Long Branch, NJ to Manasquan, NJ and back. He had heard that the Pro Volleyball Tournament was going on in Belmar and wanted to cruise by and check it out. We arrived in Belmar and there were thousands of people everywhere. We were cruising down Ocean Ave when I saw this smoking hot girl in a bikini standing at the corner ahead. I said to Mark “I am going to say something to her”. Right as I took my eyes off the road a crossing guard ran out and stopped the car in front of me to let her cross. I ran full steam into the back of an old beat up civic and flipped over my handle bars and landed on the trunk of the car with my feet dangling in the air. I jumped off as fast as I could and got back on my bike and started riding away while all I could hear was the lady in the car yelling at me in Spanish. I got two blocks away and stopped to turn back. All I saw was Mark sitting on the curb by where it happened laughing his ass off with other people pointing at me saying “Did you guys see that douche bag run into that car?! Who the fuck brought that guy!?” I have never got on a bike again till this day.

 

Superman

One day I met this girl and found out she was a college soccer player at Monmouth University in NJ. We started talking about sports and working out and totally hit it off. We were hanging out for a month at this point when she told me she was going on a run and asked me to join her. No problem. I got my gear on and drove over to her house to pick her up. We drove down to the boardwalk and stretched out for a bit and started a light jog. We were about half way down the boardwalk then and I was telling her how competitive I am and how I hate to lose and all that B.S. (Basically blowing my head up more then it already is) Right in the middle of a shit load of self promotion, I tripped on a nail sticking out of the boardwalk and proceeded to fly through the air and landed on the ground in front of her and literally skid 6 feet into a bench. As I laid there mangled against the bottom of the bench all I could hear was her laughing so hard she was gasping for air. Not only was I ridiculously embarrassed, I then discovered I was bleeding from my knees and had road rash across my stomach. All she said to me was “Damn you ARE competitive! Looks like you won the “who could look like the biggest asshole” contest. Our relationship didn’t last much longer after that.

 

And last but not least…

 

Scream Machine

It was a wonderful Thursday night at William Paterson University when my roommates and I decided to throw a party.  I called my friend and told her to come and to bring her sorority sisters with her. I hit if off with her little (little sister in her sorority) two nights before at the bar and figured I would try to impress her by throwing this big out of control party. My roommates and I then jumped into the car and made a beer run. We got back and unloaded the car and started telling everyone we were seeing in the parking lot to call all their friends because we were having a rager. As we started to set the place up for beer pong we discovered no one brought the cups in from the car. Being the gentleman I am, I volunteered to run out and get the cups so they could finish setting up. I walked out of the building and got a text from my friend saying they were almost there. Right as I was typing back I walked around the corner of the building and something caught my eye. There were six giant wild turkeys standing in front of me just looking at me. (For whoever hasn’t seen a wild turkey in person those mother fuckers are HUGE!) So I reached down as far as I could into my vagina and pulled out the loudest, most high pitched scream anyone could ever imagine. I mean my scream was so loud it would have killed a baby. The wild turkeys shot off into different directions and I looked up only to see my friend with the girl I had a crush on with three other girls. They started laughing hysterically at how much of a bitch I was and went in and told everyone it sounded like I was getting raped in prison. Let’s just say we didn’t end up working out.

 

Those were only a few stories of me making a total asshole out of myself in front of women and I am pretty sure they won’t be the last. I hope I was able to entertain you with my own personal anguish today. If you have any stories you would like to share about when you looked like a huge asshole please email me at CaseyDeville@Gmail.com.

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