Ever since the beginning of time there have been annoying ass people. I am sure even during the time of cavemen, there was some annoying ass caveman running around with a club and some rocks just bothering the fuck out of people. He was the kind of caveman that when they were inventing fire was the jerkoff that kept blowing it out and laughing saying “Ok, do it again.. I promise I won’t blow it out this time.” Then blows the thing out again and starts laughing even more. Everywhere you go you run into these people so I figured I would start pointing them out so maybe if they read this they will change their annoying ass ways.
There are just so many kinds of annoying ass people that I have decided to break them down into different categories to help better define them. Today I will address annoying ass people while driving. They are on the roads all around us everyday and make you want to say “fuck it” and run over a group of school children. Road rage is usually the result of their actions leading to you cursing, hitting your steering wheel, flipping them the bird or in worst case scenarios, pulling out an AK-47 and going on a cross state killing spree. These people are why anger management and Steven Segal’s ponytail were invented.
The Annoying Ass People
The Intersection Blocker
Really buddy, you know I am trying to make a turn there. You can see my blinker on and see me sitting here waiting. There is no good reason during a red light you have to pull in front of an intersection and block me from turning. But the worst part is you know what you are doing and refuse to look over and make eye contact with me because you know I am cursing you off and figuring out ways to kill you and hide your body. So what do you do? Pretend you are doing something else in your car and have no idea you are making me want to round house kick small children and infants. People do it to you and you know you hate it, so why do it to anyone else? Solution- Just look at them and shake your head and let them know you’re not upset, but more disappointed in their actions. Or you can always just ram your car in into the side of theirs while screaming “FREEDOM!” like Mel Gibson in the movie “Braveheart”. Either one will do.
The Tailgater
Is it necessary to ride my ass when I am going 30 in a 25? I am obviously not going to speed up and get a ticket because you are acting like we are in chase scene from CHIPS. The worst part is that you can look in the review mirror and see their face since they’re SO damn close and they are actually pissed at you because you didn’t watch the Fast and the Furious six times before you left the house. Solution- (Well not the best thing but this is what I do) Slow down and go seven miles and hour to piss them off even more then when they speed pass you and flip you off you wave at them smiling. There is nothing worse then being happy and smiling when someone wants to murder your family. Then proceed to speed up and tailgate them while high beaming the shit out of them. Hey two wrongs don’t make a right but it sure is fun!
The Premature Honker
Seriously, does this guy have a stop watch handy when he is sitting behind you at a red light? We have all encountered these people that like to beep after the light has been green for .4 seconds. I really don’t get it. Are you really in that big of a hurry that you are going to lay on your horn as soon as the light turns green? Not only does it scare the shit out of you half of the time, it also kind of pisses you off. You know you are thinking in your head “Honk again mother fucker and ill get out of my car and spin kick you in the knee cap.” But somehow you retain your composure. Solution- Carry a water balloon filled with baby shit in your glove compartment. Wait till normal speed and launch it approximately 6-8 feet directly over the top of your car. It will land directly on the person’s windshield behind you either causing them to crash or to vomit uncontrollably all over themselves due to the smell of three day old baby shit. Hope for the latter.
The Lane Hogger
I love when you are on the highway and need to get off at an exit, so you put your blinker on and when you start to move over the guy in that lane speeds up and doesn’t let you in. At this moment of your life you have two things that run through your mind. The first, “Wow that guy is a jerk. I can’t believe he didn’t let me in.” The second, you picture yourself slamming your car into the side of his like you are in “Terminator 2” and trying to either run their car into a pole and off a bridge somewhere. Solution- There is two possible scenarios. One, you have to just take it on the chin, slow down and wait for Jeff Jarret to pass then get off at your exit and pretend nothing ever happened. Two, say “fuck it” and follow him to his destination and challenge to him to a fight till the death “Gladiator” style.
And last but not least…
The Worst Driver of All Time
This person is not on the road with you, you are actually in the car with them. You are sitting in the passenger seat and are not yet aware that this person is the worst driver of all time. You don’t notice it at first because you have only been in the car for a few blocks now but then it hits you. HOLY SHIT… I’m going to fucking die. They are trying to drive while talking on their cell phone, smoking a cigarette, driving stick and fucking with their I pod. They are swerving around traffic, speeding and are completely unaware you just shit your pants right next to them. You are scared to say anything because you think if you distract them anymore they are going to kill us, so you sit in silence and secretly pray to every god you can think of. This person really needs to be ripped from their car, beat with a belt, and then tarred and skittled for their driving skills. Solution- There is a few things you can do in this situation. You can either never drive with this person again, which is a smart idea. You can wait until they start to slow down and then dive out of the car and roll down the street like you are John Goodman in “The Big Lebowski”. Or, you can wait till they get in your car and then scare the shit out of them as a form of payback. I would pick the second one.
These are a few things that annoy and scare the shit out of me while driving. I am sure there are thousands more but I had to narrow it down so my story didn’t end up looking like a book from the “Lord of The Rings” trilogy. I hope I was able to entertain you today and if you have any suggestions about more things to add to this list I would love to hear!
Tom N
March 16, 2009
The Premature Honker was absolutely hillarious. I actually spit seltzer on my laptop. <–Yes I am an old man who drinks seltzer as my prefered beverage.
dana labriola
March 16, 2009
Hahahaha! Hysterical as usual but I definitely fall into the category, “Worst Driver of All Time.” I can actually drive stick while drinking coffee, smoking a butt and talking on the phone…not recommended lol…I have probably crashed just about every car I’ve had @ one point in time…I would suggest you never get in the car with me!!! :-p
Johnny Passion
March 16, 2009
tarred and skittled………hahahaha. I think we came across everyone of these fuckers on the way back from idle hour too, man..nice
JJ
March 16, 2009
As far as the tailgater/ premature honker, what works best for me especially in hoboken is the insane amount of pennies i keep stashed in my console to throw at these annoying ass people (Through moonroof). It works and if done correctly, can be a great way to yield them, as in the case of the tailgater, off your ass…
Christine
March 16, 2009
Hysterical. . . this actually makes me appreciate my “steel limo” subway commute everyday!
meghan
March 18, 2009
hahahhaha. this website is great. i love when i have someone tailgating me. i totally slow down to annoy the shit out of them.
adrienne
March 23, 2009
Case ur awesome. i never knew my big buff baseball playin, beer drinkin Casey was such a legit and HILARIOUS writer… goooooo boyyyyyyyyyy
;P
UNCLE JIM
March 24, 2009
YOU ARE TOO MUCH!
jessica
June 25, 2009
holyyy crap i laughed so hard sitting at work reading this i was crying!!! i looked like i was nuts sitting here at my desk loaughing so hard uncontroablle with tears streaming down my face.. customers thought i was proably nuts!!